Midwinter has set into North America and while most of us are dreaming of warmer days and the sun, this peculiar holiday of Valentines’ Day pops up. Almost as if to validate the desperate souls that hunkered down with a body earlier in the winter; even so “cuffed” couples and couples of convenience don’t count. Solidarity in friendships, family relationships/love don’t count. No the irony and pain of Valentines is to celebrate a certain kind of love: Serious LTR kinds of love. Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends. And every other kind of love can kiss it’s butt. Valentines is very exclusive, and attempts to include other types of relationships/love are often rejected–deemed as pathetic. (the way one of my girlfriends shuddered at the thought of “Galentines” Day will forever taint my mind). I will detail this holiday’s ability to exclude: At the end of the day it celebrates something that not everyone has or can have: A committed love relationship.
Getting more personal, my last Valentines was rather sad and lonely. Not because I was single, but because I wasn’t. In fact all my unpleasant Valentines fell into years where I was “with” somebody. And that says a lot. It says that Valentines reminds us that the amorous relationships we have are not always the perfect mainstream ones that are deemed as acceptable. Last year my ex only texted me “Happy Valentines” on the day of. There were no gifts, no dinner, no chocolates or flowers. Not even a hang out or make out session. It really framed how much it sucked to be in a non serious relationship, and the sting that this holiday highlights. I really cared about my ex and I’m not bitter that he didn’t take me out for an overpriced dinner, buy me flowers or jewelry. But as a make-up expert, it hurt me that I had didn’t have a reason to preen, I had no pressure at all. It left me feeling more unloved than ever. And looking into my past, even the years where I had a legitimate boyfriend, I always stressed that we would not celebrate epically enough to represent our love relationship. Feeling actually loved on Valentines days is so hard to attain, in my experience. And again, I’m not bitter, just sad and feeling like I’m missing out. Is this why this holiday was created? The exclude the uncoupled and put pressure on the coupled to buy things?
This year, I’m actually happy for once. I’m at peace and not even the slightest bit lonely or desperate. How did I get so pleasantly at ease and grateful to be single? I feel the hurt is not worth it. I am not expected to celebrate Valentines Day nor do I want to. I am so thankful for the chance to overlook it, and to watch the real, actual healthy love couples celebrate it. And I can be happy for them. Those lucky ones that have found that someone special and it means something. And I feel lucky myself. Lucky to find myself excluded from Valentines, a holiday that has eluded to give me joy even when I was in a relationship. We all need something real something to celebrate. Or not at all.
I believe self love, acceptance and respect is where it all begins. And understanding we are whole beings even if we are not coupled. Heart shapes represent any kind of love.❤️
Over the years I’ve heard about the phenomena of Christmas Blues: it’s the holidays, and a lot of gift giving and family togetherness is expected, but a lot of people experience loneliness and depression on a higher level this time of year. I even wrote an article about this last year too. So now that the holidays are coming up fast, I think it’s great time to mention some emotional triggers during this time of year that affect my well being and personal happiness. I assume it’s also mistakes a lot of other people make too…so it’s never a bad idea to hash out these ideas in an entry and really delve into what some causes of holiday blues and mental distress are, so that we can end 2023 in better spirits and more beautifully.
Do not participate in “Cuffing Season”
Over the recent years, I’ve heard the term “Cuffing Season” thrown around a lot during the autumns here in North America. And the term is very popular here in Toronto, where the winters are long, cold and dark! It’s very depressing. Things are closed early, people stop socializing and going outside, and the snow and ice make it hard to, even if we want to. It’s just easier to lay cozy and warm at home on the couch and watch something. In that sense cuffing season is just like another covid lockdown but only voluntary…and apparently, it’s not fun unless people drag another warm body down with them to do this isolating with. Thus the term “Cuffing”.
I really despise this practice…because it has nothing to do with love or attraction or even connection! It’s all about distancing emotionally while being with someone physically…Worse part is come Spring, the cuffed people agree to break up as if they were just using each other like inanimate objects that served their purpose; and the truly beautiful or worthy partners are still out there to find and persue. What a sad depraved practice this is. And “cuffing” is often done in conjunction with other don’t do’s on this list.
My advice on this matter is to avoid people looking for this and don’t be a person setting this type of “situationship” up. It’s essentially using people. I mean I too enjoy vegging out on a couch doing nothing in particular, but that activity can be done alone. Don’t drag a real, feeling human being into it and then chuck them when the first light of spring comes and the groundhog is still deciding if it sees its shadow. Don’t do it! Just DON’T. We will never regret not using another human like a tool for our own comfort. And the feeling of this moral restraint is something that will truly lift us up during the harsh winter season.
On the other hand, be able to detect when somebody is proposing to ”cuff” us and avoid it like the plague! It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking that it’s actually a relationship, but there are always signs that it’s not. Listen to those signs and get out before getting “cuffed” and tossed in the Spring. It hurts our feelings and deflates our hopes of finding the right person for us. It’s just not worth the 3 or 4 months of cuddling and company. We’re worth so much more that being a body pillow for someone else, and the hurt never really goes away after being used. Even with the best intentions it hurts us so DON’T do it.
Signs of A Cuffing Situation (If one of more of these criteria happen, it points to a possible cuffing): It’s fall time, a person wants to be “friends” but also wants to snuggle, no talk of future plans, ex flames popping out of no where to rekindle, no real clear definition of what the relation is. No real dates out, just home time, No valentines/xmas day presents, Never meeting friends or family of theirs. And no talk of anything serious. Come spring there will distancing guaranteed. I know from experience.
Netflix and Chill? One doesn’t need to “cuff” another body to feel cozy and warm at home. Being single during the holidays can be peaceful with out being pathetic.
Ok, so not that I’ve made it clear Cuffing is harmful and unhealthy, moving on to other unhealthy winter holiday habits:
2. Do not over eat, drink or spend
Over consumption is a problem in developed countries because we are bored and food and drink is so easy to come across. There is never a shortage of something to stuff our faces with, drinks and vices to indulge in, and selections of physical goods to purchase. But what ends up happening during the holidays is we hate ourselves for letting our figures go, feel low on energy from over indulging and are broke from buying too much and spending too much…
Always think before consuming something…Ask why we are consuming. If it’s food, is it because we are hungry, or filling a void?; if it’s wine, ask if we want to relax a little, or just ignore our problems?; if it’s consumerism ask if we need these items or are we buying it as a form or retail therapy or to show off to someone. Our actions and motivations matter and affect us in the long run even after the holidays going all the way to the New Year. Time to have positive energy.
3. Do not lounge at home like a slob
Even if we are at home during the holidays and have no plans to work, go outside or see people, don’t do the house thing in a sloppy way. A good practice is to shower, wear nice home clothes, that are both comfortable, and look good, like we are the star in our own movie. Nobody sees us, but we see us. I like to check myself at home by thinking if my ex saw me, would I be embarrassed or avenged by the way that I look? Would I send him reeling with desire for another chance with me? Or would I make him happy by seeing I was put together? Or would he pity me for seeming to fall apart after him? It’s better to aim for pretty loungewear that actually say I’m taking care of myself than sloppy dirty bum clothes. We feel how we look. Enough said.
4. Don’t isolate at home:
There are lots of people that care about us, and think about us. It’s important to communicate, socialize and reach out to people and their offer of company. So many times in our lives, we see people and friends as a distraction from the more “important” things in our lives. (ie. career and making money) But truthfully speaking, people are all that we’ve got that has meaning in our lives. So instead of looking inward during the holidays, be open to looking outwards and beyond. Existence is not about our work, but it’s about the riches of spending time to smell the roses or spending time with loved ones.
I started this journal with an entry aboutperfumes and scents! This was all the way in 2013 when I was working in fashion retail and started learning more about the cosmetics world! There is lots to know about cosmetics and make-up and I feel it continues to be an important tool for self expression in today’s confusing world of hustle and bustle for the bottom line and political power. None of these worldly ideals have the power to make us happy or feel well adjusted with our bodies or with our soul. While the perfect lipstick colour will not make world domination anywhere closer, for most people, feeling good about our appearances is a good place to start. And in that sentiment, a lovely scent that completes our look is also essential. We have to enjoy our image physically to help tackle the daily stresses that our lives put us through. Whether it is political, professional, personal or psychological conflicts, something doesn’t change; we are connected to the public world and the face we put on matters…and even the pandemic of epic proportions that imposed extreme social isolation a few years back has not erased the need for beauty.
This is my current mish mash of scents that I relocated to another bottle!
I went through a troubling break up earlier this year. One that was so difficult it caused me to lose some of my hair, question my ability to deserve a long-term fulfilling relationship and distract me from what matters the most: How to be a happy person. It’s not about who I’m with. Who I am with doesn’t give identity, elegance or a sense of feeling whole. These things are found emotionally within and manifested externally. They are the things that give strength and enable us to be useful and helpful to those we care about. Together with all of my own aesthetic experiences and now that I practice working professionally in the beauty industry as a hair stylist…one thing is constant. It has to come from within first. We have to feel beautiful inside first, before we can manifest this beauty outwards. There has to be a sense of wellness. There has to be respect for our time, bodies and minds first. I feel that you can seek advice from any professional, but to be honest, it all begins with how we view ourselves.
What does my ramble have to do with perfumes and scents? I wonder this myself as I write this. I am saying that we all have that pile of cosmetics that we bought on impulse, thinking they would make us happy, but for some reason, the pile sits as a rarely used collection of dusty intentions. Wanting to feel sexy or pretty or fun has made us buy these things: the beauty industry is guilty of ramming products down our throats. Business and marketing makes us buy it, but that’s not how these cosmetics work…technically it all starts with a connection to ourselves. Even the most beautiful people in the world have had adversities to overcome; failed relationships, cheating partners, addictions and been flawed in the most human way. But it’s about how we over come obstacles that make us unique and beautiful. In that way the dusty perfume collection can be seen as some of the ways we tried to escape our troubles, and soothe ourselves.
Instead of buying new scents to feel beautiful, make a “Frankenstein” scent. Gather unused, uninspired scents and mix them all together into an empty spray bottle! The singular scents that I thought I liked, but later stopped wearing can now have new life breathed into them by mixing them all together! Most perfumes have the same alcohol base. That means different scents can be combined and blended seamlessly. There is no recipe or order. Only that most perfume bottles can’t be uncapped. So it may mean tediously filing another bottle spray by spray by spritzing it in! But it’s worth it to not waste the leftover scents! Blending them all together will make something that smells amazing. Like a rebirth, lifting us from the ashes of our mistakes. It’s a renewal on the smallest most simplest level just by spritzing it on and donning a smile.
This is the spray bottle I’m using. I suggest using a glass one for perfumes, but a small plastic one will do! I will probably decorate mine by putting in small crystals!
From my many years of wearing and blending perfumes, I believe I learned that historically, perfumes and a lot of modern day cosmetics originated in Ancient Egypt! And so did cats! This is Shady.
Dreamy Reveries: a journal of make-up and fashion 