Why confidence is not everything for success in life…

October 13, 2026October 12, 2026 ~ Emmie ~ Leave a comment

So we’ve all heard it so much and many times before: success is something that confidence gets. But as I’ve learned all my years on earth; yes and also no. My life experience has shown me that there are so many grey areas to any mindset or belief. And as much as we’ve all yearn for something clear and easy, like a “paint by numbers” canvas, success is something more complicated. Life can be seen as a bunch of scenarios that we just have to manage, make decisions and take action on. Whether we’re looking confident or not has nothing to do with the efficiency, or amount of positive outcome in our lives. If anything our confidence can be seen as a passive facade. Like trash talking the opposing team before a match. It’s like an attitude that can be acted out and has nothing to do with the task at hand. Problems will present themselves in our lives. And we just have to solve them. We don’t really have the time to decide to be confident. We only have time to fix our lives, to be in our lives and try to enjoy it.

Because confidence is a feeling, an act or appearance, it has little to do with the actual problem solving tasks that presents themselves daily. We actually need skills. Different skills for different problems and whole combination of them as well. For example when I worked on my first ship as a hairdresser, the clients were assigned to me. And I had to perform fast, with no mistakes, and give ultimate client satisfaction every time. And I never had even a minute to waste on how to look “confident”. All my attention and energy was put on the tasks at hand. The client didn’t care if I looked visibly confident. They wanted visible results in their hair only. And that’s the true nature of confidence. It’s not something I need to feel or have others feel. It is nice to have inner confidence in the real sense, but that’s not necessarily something that can be seen. The same logic applies to love and dating. While confidence is good, it alone cannot produce the outcome.

Appearing confident is great when it comes to getting a job, and it helps us through an interview and helps us appear calm. But even the in the best job interviews, a person has to also balance that with some modesty, to show an ability to follow rules. There is only a smidgen of confidence actually needed. Confidence on a personal growth level is not that necessary either, because it has nothing to do with self esteem, or the desire to learn. Confidence can be used to cover up when we don’t even like ourselves, and gives us excuses without having to change or fix ourselves. I grew up having very low self esteem. I was very shy and felt unworthy of lovers or friends. And I had to work really hard on finding things in me that I could say that I liked. And even after finding theses things I had to convince myself that I was good. I still work on self esteem till this day, And that’s a lot of work. Self love is closer to to being humble and open.with self acceptance. So again, confidence is different to that.

Confidence is also easy to fake. That’s right. We all know someone who is confident. They value themselves and the image they project. But when you actually get to know them, we feel they are insecure, jealous of others, and passive aggressive to get what they want. Confidence is a vehicle of disguise for them. The performance of confidence makes them feel they have the right to lead someone or manage something. They use confidence to hide the uncertainty they feel instead of examining where it comes from. I don’t want that kind of confidence. It’s actually very ugly, and not coming from a good place in our spirits.

Confidence is great, but it doesn’t lead to inner happiness. Because of it’s performative nature, it’s always dependent on others to affirm it. It’s outside of us and requires an audience. If we perform confidence to get validation from others, it becomes a job, which in itself cannot bring us happiness. The act of being confident can not therefore make us happy. It can however make us arrogant, indifferent, or even jaded as a related feeling. And those things are not great feelings.

Another thing to think about: Confidence is not often associated with being feminine, or soft. Confidence is also an adjective that is often the opposite stance from being caring or sweet. And like I said, while it has some value in the “go getter” career mindset, it has very little value if we want to feel like a gentle, feminine being. Traditional, ethereal, beautiful femininity is demure and modest. That is not something confidence can get us, or the demeanor it embodies.

Also, there’s something to be said about modesty. It’s truly an underrated character trait these days. Modestly is about knowing one’s worth, but the refusal to flaunt it. That’s a classy gesture. We’re all so tired of having that loud energy in our face. On social media, it’s about how to be a diva, how to get what we want. Why have we all been reduced to beings that only want, and aim to get things, when we don’t have anything to GIVE? How about we evaluate if we have anything to give before huffing and puffing about how great we are? Confidence is great, but it’s an overrated character trait in our society. I elect for a re-awakening of our senses and abilities for something more authentic. Let’s be modest, aim to listen and give to the community. And after that, we can build a future we want based on love, and not have the time for pompous, delusions of ourselves; or the performances of confidence that we are pressured to exhibit.

Avoid the “Holiday Blues” without resorting to “Cuffing”

December 6, 2023December 7, 2023 ~ Emmie ~ Leave a comment

Over the years I’ve heard about the phenomena of Christmas Blues: it’s the holidays, and a lot of gift giving and family togetherness is expected, but a lot of people experience loneliness and depression on a higher level this time of year. I even wrote an article about th i s last year too. So now that the holidays are coming up fast, I think it’s great time to mention some emotional triggers during this time of year that affect my well being and personal happiness. I assume it’s also mistakes a lot of other people make too…so it’s never a bad idea to hash out these ideas in an entry and really delve into what some causes of holiday blues and mental distress are, so that we can end 2023 in better spirits and more beautifully.

Do not participate in “Cuffing Season”

Over the recent years, I’ve heard the term “Cuffing Season” thrown around a lot during the autumns here in North America. And the term is very popular here in Toronto, where the winters are long, cold and dark! It’s very depressing. Things are closed early, people stop socializing and going outside, and the snow and ice make it hard to, even if we want to. It’s just easier to lay cozy and warm at home on the couch and watch something. In that sense cuffing season is just like another covid lockdown but only voluntary…and apparently, it’s not fun unless people drag another warm body down with them to do this isolating with. Thus the term “Cuffing”.

I really despise this practice…because it has nothing to do with love or attraction or even connection! It’s all about distancing emotionally while being with someone physically…Worse part is come Spring, the cuffed people agree to break up as if they were just using each other like inanimate objects that served their purpose; and the truly beautiful or worthy partners are still out there to find and persue. What a sad depraved practice this is. And “cuffing” is often done in conjunction with other don’t do’s on this list.

My advice on this matter is to avoid people looking for this and don’t be a person setting this type of “situationship” up. It’s essentially using people. I mean I too enjoy vegging out on a couch doing nothing in particular, but that activity can be done alone. Don’t drag a real, feeling human being into it and then chuck them when the first light of spring comes and the groundhog is still deciding if it sees its shadow. Don’t do it! Just DON’T. We will never regret not using another human like a tool for our own comfort. And the feeling of this moral restraint is something that will truly lift us up during the harsh winter season.

On the other hand, be able to detect when somebody is proposing to ”cuff” us and avoid it like the plague! It’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking that it’s actually a relationship, but there are always signs that it’s not. Listen to those signs and get out before getting “cuffed” and tossed in the Spring. It hurts our feelings and deflates our hopes of finding the right person for us. It’s just not worth the 3 or 4 months of cuddling and company. We’re worth so much more that being a body pillow for someone else, and the hurt never really goes away after being used. Even with the best intentions it hurts us so DON’T do it.

Signs of A Cuffing Situation (If one of more of these criteria happen, it points to a possible cuffing): It’s fall time, a person wants to be “friends” but also wants to snuggle, no talk of future plans, ex flames popping out of no where to rekindle, no real clear definition of what the relation is. No real dates out, just home time, No valentines/xmas day presents, Never meeting friends or family of theirs. And no talk of anything serious. Come spring there will distancing guaranteed. I know from experience.

Ok, so not that I’ve made it clear Cuffing is harmful and unhealthy, moving on to other unhealthy winter holiday habits:

2. Do not over eat, drink or spend

Over consumption is a problem in developed countries because we are bored and food and drink is so easy to come across. There is never a shortage of something to stuff our faces with, drinks and vices to indulge in, and selections of physical goods to purchase. But what ends up happening during the holidays is we hate ourselves for letting our figures go, feel low on energy from over indulging and are broke from buying too much and spending too much…

Always think before consuming something…Ask why we are consuming. If it’s food, is it because we are hungry, or filling a void?; if it’s wine, ask if we want to relax a little, or just ignore our problems?; if it’s consumerism ask if we need these items or are we buying it as a form or retail therapy or to show off to someone. Our actions and motivations matter and affect us in the long run even after the holidays going all the way to the New Year. Time to have positive energy.

3. Do not lounge at home like a slob

Even if we are at home during the holidays and have no plans to work, go outside or see people, don’t do the house thing in a sloppy way. A good practice is to shower, wear nice home clothes, that are both comfortable, and look good, like we are the star in our own movie. Nobody sees us, but we see us. I like to check myself at home by thinking if my ex saw me, would I be embarrassed or avenged by the way that I look? Would I send him reeling with desire for another chance with me? Or would I make him happy by seeing I was put together? Or would he pity me for seeming to fall apart after him? It’s better to aim for pretty loungewear that actually say I’m taking care of myself than sloppy dirty bum clothes. We feel how we look. Enough said.

4. Don’t isolate at home:

There are lots of people that care about us, and think about us. It’s important to communicate, socialize and reach out to people and their offer of company. So many times in our lives, we see people and friends as a distraction from the more “important” things in our lives. (ie. career and making money) But truthfully speaking, people are all that we’ve got that has meaning in our lives. So instead of looking inward during the holidays, be open to looking outwards and beyond. Existence is not about our work, but it’s about the riches of spending time to smell the roses or spending time with loved ones.

Mid Summer’s Day Dream…

August 8, 2023August 7, 2023 ~ Emmie ~ Leave a comment

This summer 2023 has been a difficult one for me. With my decision to not travel and just save up for winter holidays, I feel I had inadvertently set myself up to be locked up in a slump. City life during the hot months in Toronto is not the most relaxing or pretty. Construction, sticky smoggy air, bad traffic and noise is the reality of summer in the city. I realized how some people, the “elite people”; i.e.. the well-to-do people of Toronto get to go away in their fancy cars and drive up north to the various scenic lakefront properties they own or rent. They get to have a real getaway rather easily, and spend lots of their weekends by sitting on the dock on a quiet lake and watching the waves, and just truly recharging.

I feel like this summer in particular, I had the need for escaping. But unfortunately, I could not. Certain aspects of my personal life and work life had gotten hectic; not being able to foresee this happening earlier this spring, as mid summer arrived, I was hit! I was left in a lot of emotional turmoil with no exit or break from it in sight. I did end up taking a week off of work…but then what? I thought to myself on the first few days of my staycation..This so called “vacation” ultimately would require me to work at turning off my brain and anxieties without a true physical getaway. I had to plan local outings, I had to find my friends. And on days where those options weren’t available I was truly unhappy. There is nothing worse that being on a vacation where I could not escape the boredom or malaise that was my life while it was summer in the city. I don’t have AC, so imagine me heatedly crouched over my bed post to stretch myself to the window to smoke mini cigars. That was my one of my escapes as weak as it was.

My week of being off work is coming to an end and I still think about how if I had been more privileged or luckier in life I too could have been one of those free people up at the cottage when us low folk down here have to work and toil. And if not work and toil, take staycations that are just unpaid unrelaxing wastes of times. My only solace was to splurge a bit and spend a half a day at a nice pool lounge in downtown Toronto. With no one bothering me and my surroundings being totally new, it was a lovely change from my usual routine. Sitting poolside or near any body of water always seems to calm me and the cool breeze of the rooftop pool was comforting. It made me forget some of my pains.

After that moment of solitude by the pool…I feel it is possible to have some beautiful moments in trying times…looking at what possessions and resources others had and what I didn’t was not what I should have been doing. But after a week off with some torturously boring moments where I wondered what I was doing with my life, I had the advantage of an good expanse of time; where I was able to examine my own resources and mobilize to use them. I was able to put down my mini cigar and realize that there are little pieces of paradise in the city and in our minds if we only allow ourselves to find it.

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